At one point, you write about a “ thoroughgoing failure to play a male role in life…”How did you see gender roles before transitioning and how did they evolve for you?
An interesting, unanticipated consequence of estrogen is that I now see men as I’d never quite seen them before. I’ve become an amused observer of styles of gender roleplay I just lazily or fearfully took as givens back then. It continually blows my mind when I realize how completely I’d misunderstood masculinity when I was trying to perform it. As for femininity, I had previously worshiped it, and now I live there. I just decreed that everything I did or thought would henceforth be feminine, because I was.
What kind of support did you receive from the Transgender community?
I’m never sure quite what anybody means by the C word, but a number of trans women were and are hugely important to me: my friend Leor and her friend Jordon, both recent Bard graduates, and a number of correspondents in other states who are closer to my age. I also joined the local trans support group for a year, and met people from every background, which was illuminating.
Speaking of Leor, I was quite moved by your description of what you learned from her. Who is she and how did she become a mentor of sorts?
Leor was the star pupil of my late friend Barabra Ess, in the photo department at Bard, and that’s how we met. It was kind of a miracle, really. She was the perfect person to guide me through transitioning: beautiful, self-confident, brilliant, and brilliantly empathetic. She gave me courage, in addition to a lot of practical tips. And I love the fact that my elder is 43 years younger than me.
At a few different points, you bring up your age when considering your transition. Do you wish you had done it or could have done it sooner?
It’s my particular heartbreak to realize that no matter how hard I try, I will never be a young woman. I dearly wish I could have transitioned in my teens, as early as possible. Or at any time since. But it would not have been possible before maybe a decade ago.