I Made the ‘With Love, Meghan’ Epsom Salts and All I Got Was This Lousy Sense of Tradwife Accomplishment

Step 1: Gather your ingredients.

Step 2: Puzzle at the fact that one of the ingredients is Epsom salts, when we’re…supposed to be making Epsom salts. Granted, I’m making a jazzed-up version, but isn’t this kind of like buying premade lasagna as an “ingredient” for making lasagna?

Step 3: Realize you do not have any of the other ingredients on hand except for sea salt, which you are loath to use for soaking purposes because it’s expensive—but needs must!

Step 4: Run out quickly for arnica and lavender essential oils (also known as a “typical L.A. errand”).

Step 5: Realize the store only has what appear to be industrial quantities of arnica oil.

Step 6: Be lightly condescended to by an extremely Moon Juiced-out “spiritual necessities” store employee who can’t believe you would ever want less arnica oil.

Step 6: Angrily buy the huge thing of arnica oil while Googling “arnica oil in food?? how to use…” (Apparently it’s good for bruises? The more you know!)

Step 7: Come home and prepare to mix the salts with the oils in what appears to be a clean bowl.

Step 8: Realize the bowl is, in fact, not clean.

Step 9: Despair of your potential future homemaking career while you run the dishwasher.

Step 10: Actually mix the salts with the oils.

Step 11: Feel weird about the texture. Is it supposed to be like… chunky sand?

Step 12: Throw in some rose petals at the last minute to improve the concoction’s appearance.

Step 13: Belatedly realize you were supposed to “place the rose petals in silk bags and set them aside” before mixing them into the salt-oil concoction.

Step 14: Wonder what glorious species of woman just has tiny silk bags lying around, then realize it’s probably Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.

Step 15: Jar your bath salts (or, in my case, Tupperware them.)

Step 15: Label the Tupperware with its contents and date, feeling ever-so-briefly and beautifully like a smug Instagram tradwife.

Step 16: Contemplate converting to Mormon MomTok-ism in order to feel this accomplished and crafty all the time, then realize you don’t like soda enough.