How to Feel Confident in the Bedroom & Connect with Your Erotic Self

Getting naked with someone new for the first time? If you’re looking to take that next step but you’re unsure of how to reconnect with your erotic power, here’s how to get your confidence back on track and foster self-compassion in 2022.

Getting naked with someone new for the first time? Suddenly. So. Aware. Of. How. Your. Own. Labia. Behaves…

And where to even start with the sorry state of affairs also known as: ya knicker drawer. Not a hint of lace, soft tulle or *red* have been seen in the vicinity since circa 2019. Lockdown did us dirty. 

Whatever wobbles you’re feeling and however they manifest, it’s completely normal to lose your way with sexual self-confidence from time to time, especially when it comes to meeting someone new in the covid era. 

So, if you’re looking to take that next step but you’re unsure of how to reconnect with your erotic power, here’s how to get your confidence back on track and foster self-compassion in 2022. Because despite what might be going on in your head, you deserve great sex. 

Unlearn toxic ideas about sex & give yourself permission to embrace your sexuality 

Confidence isn’t purely performative, it has to come from within. If you believe you’re enough and capable of pleasure, your body will listen and follow. 

Shame is often the reason we feel unable to give and receive pleasure; a symptom of the sex-negative society we live in. Sex negativity perpetuates the idea that sex is unnatural, disgusting, harmful, dangerous, risky and shameful. Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and explore your sexuality without judgement is one such way to flip that narrative on its head. 

Think about a time when you’ve felt empowered by your sexuality. What made you feel that way, and how can you channel that confidence with your new partner or future sexual experiences? There are so many reasons why someone might feel out of touch with their erotic self, be it stress, grief, cultural messaging, gender dysphoria, body confidence or ill health but with practice and self-compassion, we can diminish that inner critic, learn to trust ourselves again, befriend our bodies and, in turn, feel safe to let someone else in. Repeating affirmations such as, “I am entitled to feel pleasure” and “I deserve to feel good” can help foster that connection with your erotic self and create a foundation for experiencing joy. 

Accept real sex isn’t perfect

Klaxon: it’s not like the movies. Or porn. Sex in real life doesn’t get the privilege of redrafts, soft-focus light and art direction, it’s a messy, silly and gloriously imperfect human experience and leaning into that can be erotic and liberating in its own right. Sometimes things don’t slot together as they should and the transition between one position to another isn’t graceful and that’s more than ok. It’s a human body, not a puzzle piece. Treat sex like yoga and embrace the wobbles. Often the deepest sense of belonging and connection happens in those flawed, not-so-polished moments. Reckoning with our imperfections and letting go of the expectation that sex has to be aesthetic from every angle to be pleasurable can lead to increased intimacy, heightened arousal and a more satisfying sex life. 

Get comfortable with exploring your own body

Touching yourself is an elite form of self-care, as fundamental to your wellbeing as taking a shower, journaling, or folding yourself into a downward dog. Taking the time to get to know your body and exploring your own pleasure is the portal to confidence both for you and for them – because mutual masturbation is hot. Pleasure and confidence go hand in hand, and if you can get comfortable with asking for what you want (and listening to what they want), both parties will likely have a better time. Communication will provide all the social lubrication you need for 10/10 intimacy. 

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